What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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