oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
