I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
