Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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