Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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