somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
