you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
