Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
