i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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