God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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