Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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