I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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