I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize