hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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