I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
