Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
