mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
