Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
