I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
