Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
