Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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