Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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