Nicole vs. Life
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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