i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
