god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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