Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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