You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
