i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
