Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
