Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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