I wish I could punch you in the face.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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