matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
