Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize