I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
