she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
