my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize