They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
