There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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