ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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