Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
