i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
