Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
