You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
