I wish my penis had an off switch
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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