I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
