Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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