We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
