I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize