It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
