The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
