dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
