Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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