Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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