just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
farters have to be the big spoon...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
