Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
