I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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