The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
