I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
