I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
