I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize